Dear Grandpa,
I should be asleep by now, dreaming of things I can never remember, but I just can't get to sleeping. I got into a stupid argument right before I went up to bed and thought about writing to you, but selfishly did other mindless things (that didn't turn out to be so mindless after all).
I think the real reason I can't go to sleep is because I was meant to write you a post tonight. I really believe it's some sort of divine intervention, where I was supposed to be feeling a little down so I can face some really big thoughts I have been avoiding. As much as I put up an "I'm so over it" guard, I don't think I ever REALLY talked about how I felt when you passed. Of all days and times, it's bothering me right now and I cannot for the life of me get to sleep before getting it off my chest. So, thank you divine intervention, this damn weight is getting off of my chest now:
I an guilty for not running to Grandma's first call. Sometimes she just yells my name all over the house to ask me something that I know is not important, so I ignore her or give her attitude. I feel especially guilty for getting severely annoyed at her when she called seven more times to come to her without telling me what was wrong. I was stupid and not caring, which is why I feel guilty for not being there in time. By the time I understood the shrill of her calls and ran into your room, you were limp in her arms and she had no physical or mental strength to hold you or even respond rationally. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the adult in this situation and I had to hold myself (and Grandma) together.
I feel that as an aid to my own anxiety and to all of the readers who have already gone through, or are experiencing the life of Alzheimer's now, it is important to let everything out. I knew you weren't with us, Grandpa, the second I picked you up and laid you on your bed. Your skin was a white I still can't explain and through my shaking hands, there was no pulse. In my heart of hearts, I knew you were dead, but for Grandma's sake and my mom's sake (who I knew would be devastated if she wasn't there for you) I called 911 and followed through resuscitating. With only the strength of God, I held myself together and sent Grandma in the ambulance, (even though I wanted to be there too) called everyone I needed, signed my brothers out of school, and drove to the hospital. The only person that I let myself breakdown in front of was my neighbor just after the ambulance and cops left. She never brought it up afterward, but we've had an unspoken understanding ever since.
I still don't think my parents know the full story and I'm pretty sure Grandma blocked it out, but I remember everything. It is haunting. I have been in several other situations where I had to be the adult and work out an emergency on my own, but none ever prepared me for the guilt and memory that would follow me after the day you died.
There are few times that I cry about it. The only way I can describe the situation is in relation to a cut (so typical, I know, but it makes so much sense). I had a gash the day you died and it never had the chance to be a gash ... you know, bleed profusely, clot, scab over, and maybe scar. My gash simply scabbed over and scarred. There was no time to bleed or clot: there wasn't anyone to really talk to. I told you how much I hate crying to people, so I kept to myself. I didn't want to relive the moment, so I never told the whole truth to anyone. I hurt. I wish someone else understands how I feel now without having to say it out loud.
I wish I was in the room sooner to save you and I wish I didn't feel the weight of death. I wish I wasn't scared of touching your hand once I knew you were gone. I hope this let's me sleep and maybe soon, I won't live with the guilt or I won't be so haunted by the memory. Most of all, I wish I could meet you in my dreams tonight and see you Alzheimer's free.
You already took your chance to let go. Now I need to too.
Love always,
Your Granddaughter
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Piano
Dear Grandpa,
Why is it that I love writing so much, yet I can never think of what I want to write? I sit in class wanting only to get home and go straight to my computer and fill pages with stupid times new roman letters; yet when I finally have the time, I clean my room, make food, and procrastinate until it's too late to even start. I guess you can say I kind of procrastinate to write letters too, which can explain the months that go by in silence. Not cool man! Especially because I love talking to you, but sometimes it's too hard. Not really hard in the sense that it's too upsetting, but hard in the sense that I don't always know what to write and it becomes too easy to just put it off until later when I have something to write.
I have to write a short story for Creative Writing. I have so many brilliant ideas that I start when I'm no where near my computer, things like manifestos, "firsts", memoirs, etc. Running and playing the piano usually gets my creative juices flowing, but it's cold outside and there is barely space in my bedroom for some boots let alone a piano.
I miss being able to close my eyes and play a song perfectly from the feel of the keys. Some were greasier than others and they were reminders for my fingers when I switched octaves. Maybe that's what I need to do... write about playing the piano. I'll try it. Thanks Grandpa! :)
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Why is it that I love writing so much, yet I can never think of what I want to write? I sit in class wanting only to get home and go straight to my computer and fill pages with stupid times new roman letters; yet when I finally have the time, I clean my room, make food, and procrastinate until it's too late to even start. I guess you can say I kind of procrastinate to write letters too, which can explain the months that go by in silence. Not cool man! Especially because I love talking to you, but sometimes it's too hard. Not really hard in the sense that it's too upsetting, but hard in the sense that I don't always know what to write and it becomes too easy to just put it off until later when I have something to write.
I have to write a short story for Creative Writing. I have so many brilliant ideas that I start when I'm no where near my computer, things like manifestos, "firsts", memoirs, etc. Running and playing the piano usually gets my creative juices flowing, but it's cold outside and there is barely space in my bedroom for some boots let alone a piano.
I miss being able to close my eyes and play a song perfectly from the feel of the keys. Some were greasier than others and they were reminders for my fingers when I switched octaves. Maybe that's what I need to do... write about playing the piano. I'll try it. Thanks Grandpa! :)
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Monday, April 23, 2012
Trust
Dear Grandpa,
Trust is a difficult thing to master. You either trust too much and allow for deceit and pain to take over, or you don't trust at all and live on lies. There is a fine line between the two where you can have the best of both worlds, but that takes years to earn. College tests your sense of trust with friends, school work, and management, giving you the freedom and the evils that lurk somewhere behind all of the parties, raging alcoholics, and parent-less dorms.
For the most part, I trust too much. I don't think I've respected my self worth and I've befriended people that aren't deserving of my generosity. Not to say that I'm the ideal student, but it feels like none of these people have ambitions or work towards getting out of college; it's like they're stuck in this vortex of freedom and little responsibility and have no desire to make it into the real world. They're completely fine with living pay check to pay check and they put their lives at risk literally every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (if they're lucky).
That's not me, Grandpa. You worked hard for our family and I appreciate all of the advice and strength you gave Mom to be the first person to go to college and become super successful and raise a loving family that understands the values of life, while living in a multi-million dollar home. I know how important to you to live comfortably and not have the worries that you did growing up in such a hateful world. I'm so lucky to have such a great family that truly gives a damn about what I do and is hard on me. Because of them, because of you, I will be successful and I will be important, but more importantly, I will be wise past my years and learn to trust just enough.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Trust is a difficult thing to master. You either trust too much and allow for deceit and pain to take over, or you don't trust at all and live on lies. There is a fine line between the two where you can have the best of both worlds, but that takes years to earn. College tests your sense of trust with friends, school work, and management, giving you the freedom and the evils that lurk somewhere behind all of the parties, raging alcoholics, and parent-less dorms.
For the most part, I trust too much. I don't think I've respected my self worth and I've befriended people that aren't deserving of my generosity. Not to say that I'm the ideal student, but it feels like none of these people have ambitions or work towards getting out of college; it's like they're stuck in this vortex of freedom and little responsibility and have no desire to make it into the real world. They're completely fine with living pay check to pay check and they put their lives at risk literally every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (if they're lucky).
That's not me, Grandpa. You worked hard for our family and I appreciate all of the advice and strength you gave Mom to be the first person to go to college and become super successful and raise a loving family that understands the values of life, while living in a multi-million dollar home. I know how important to you to live comfortably and not have the worries that you did growing up in such a hateful world. I'm so lucky to have such a great family that truly gives a damn about what I do and is hard on me. Because of them, because of you, I will be successful and I will be important, but more importantly, I will be wise past my years and learn to trust just enough.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Las Cosas Pequenas (The Little Things)
Dear Grandpa,
Prince Royce sings the most beautiful and meaningful songs ever. The combination of his amazingly good looks, sweet lyrics, soft voice, bachata music, and spanish tongue makes this song one of my favorites. If everyone lived by these simple words, the world would truly be a better place.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
P.S. You know you have a secret crush on him too ;)
Prince Royce sings the most beautiful and meaningful songs ever. The combination of his amazingly good looks, sweet lyrics, soft voice, bachata music, and spanish tongue makes this song one of my favorites. If everyone lived by these simple words, the world would truly be a better place.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
P.S. You know you have a secret crush on him too ;)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My V-Day
Dear Grandpa,
Yesterday was interesting. Aside from the "I love you" text that Mom sends when she thinks I need a pick-me-up, my Valentine's Day morning was obnoxious, to say the least. My friend and his ex tried to be all cute and lovey-dovey for V-Day and start things over from the beginning, even though you can't really ever "start things over" once you've been together for 1.5 years, and even though they are so obviously avoiding the giant elephant in their "relationship", and even though they never should have been together in the first place! Facebook was blowing up with holiday statuses and people kept on posting their stupid gifts that probably died, melted, or was eaten by now. All of the restaurants bumped up their prices, so going out for lunch was completely out of the option. If you can't tell by now, Grandpa, I was cranky... kind of like how you used to get before, after, and during your baths.
Luckily for me, I was surprised by a visit from Matan who, brought nothing special, wore nothing special, and planned nothing special. It was great! The rest of my night was so relaxing and normal and I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day. To top it off, we watched my all time favorite, Top Gear, and laughed at however many two hour specials we watched until we fell asleep. The thing that made it great, was that it was so ordinary and enjoyable. I didn't need to get Matan anything for him to know that I love him and he felt the same. The greatest gift I could have asked for, was knowing that my niece was safe at home for her very first day out of the hospital. The simple things in life is all I need to stay happy.
I know how traditional you were, Grandpa, because we were raised so differently. I know you always got Grandma flowers and chocolates and probably had a romantic night on Valentine's Day, but think of the rest of the year when you and her fought all the time and how you weren't always happy together; you shouldn't have had to be forced to change your feelings because of one state holiday. If you're not in love, then don't be, and if you are, then be in love, but not just for one day. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be bitter on purpose or complain because I'm unhappy, but I want you to see how love should be. I love you and I don't just write to you on Valentine's Day, or send you special videos to show how much I care. You should know that I care and feel the same amount of love each day, forever. You're my forever valentine :).
Love always
Your granddaughter
Yesterday was interesting. Aside from the "I love you" text that Mom sends when she thinks I need a pick-me-up, my Valentine's Day morning was obnoxious, to say the least. My friend and his ex tried to be all cute and lovey-dovey for V-Day and start things over from the beginning, even though you can't really ever "start things over" once you've been together for 1.5 years, and even though they are so obviously avoiding the giant elephant in their "relationship", and even though they never should have been together in the first place! Facebook was blowing up with holiday statuses and people kept on posting their stupid gifts that probably died, melted, or was eaten by now. All of the restaurants bumped up their prices, so going out for lunch was completely out of the option. If you can't tell by now, Grandpa, I was cranky... kind of like how you used to get before, after, and during your baths.
Luckily for me, I was surprised by a visit from Matan who, brought nothing special, wore nothing special, and planned nothing special. It was great! The rest of my night was so relaxing and normal and I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day. To top it off, we watched my all time favorite, Top Gear, and laughed at however many two hour specials we watched until we fell asleep. The thing that made it great, was that it was so ordinary and enjoyable. I didn't need to get Matan anything for him to know that I love him and he felt the same. The greatest gift I could have asked for, was knowing that my niece was safe at home for her very first day out of the hospital. The simple things in life is all I need to stay happy.
I know how traditional you were, Grandpa, because we were raised so differently. I know you always got Grandma flowers and chocolates and probably had a romantic night on Valentine's Day, but think of the rest of the year when you and her fought all the time and how you weren't always happy together; you shouldn't have had to be forced to change your feelings because of one state holiday. If you're not in love, then don't be, and if you are, then be in love, but not just for one day. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be bitter on purpose or complain because I'm unhappy, but I want you to see how love should be. I love you and I don't just write to you on Valentine's Day, or send you special videos to show how much I care. You should know that I care and feel the same amount of love each day, forever. You're my forever valentine :).
Love always
Your granddaughter
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I hate Valentine's Day
Dear Grandpa,
It's that time of year again. I don't know why, but just about everything bugs me today. Between all of the love statuses, the sappy profile pictures, couples making up that never should have been together in the first place, over priced roses being advertised everywhere, and that obnoxious, italicized, happy little reminder on my calendar that it's Valentine's Day. Why does this stupid holiday even exist?
If you ask me, Valentine's Day is an excuse to be extra nice and cute and fake for 24 hours; it's one night where you take your significant other out to dinner instead of making them cook, serve, and clean for you; it's one night where you waste money on flowers that will just sit and die in a vase that you admired for 2 minutes; it's one night of making sex, massages, and "I love you" special. And when you're single, it's a day to love yourself. Well, what about the other 364 days of the year? Each and every person deserves to feel special and loved everyday and should not be subjected to make love "extra special" for one stupid holiday!
Look, I'm not doing this because I don't love someone (because I do) or because no one loves me (because people do), but I'm tired of the ignorance of people. *News flash*, money, flowers, and chocolate can't buy love. And it's not Valentine's day!!!!! It's Valentine's year, decade, century, lifetime! Love everyday like it was your last. Laugh, kiss, play, mess around, do stupid things, go out, make dessert, order in, and watch movies everyday. Make your whole life about love, not just one stupid, yearly holiday.
Happy Valentine's lifetime, Grandpa. I love you, always have, always will.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
It's that time of year again. I don't know why, but just about everything bugs me today. Between all of the love statuses, the sappy profile pictures, couples making up that never should have been together in the first place, over priced roses being advertised everywhere, and that obnoxious, italicized, happy little reminder on my calendar that it's Valentine's Day. Why does this stupid holiday even exist?
If you ask me, Valentine's Day is an excuse to be extra nice and cute and fake for 24 hours; it's one night where you take your significant other out to dinner instead of making them cook, serve, and clean for you; it's one night where you waste money on flowers that will just sit and die in a vase that you admired for 2 minutes; it's one night of making sex, massages, and "I love you" special. And when you're single, it's a day to love yourself. Well, what about the other 364 days of the year? Each and every person deserves to feel special and loved everyday and should not be subjected to make love "extra special" for one stupid holiday!
Look, I'm not doing this because I don't love someone (because I do) or because no one loves me (because people do), but I'm tired of the ignorance of people. *News flash*, money, flowers, and chocolate can't buy love. And it's not Valentine's day!!!!! It's Valentine's year, decade, century, lifetime! Love everyday like it was your last. Laugh, kiss, play, mess around, do stupid things, go out, make dessert, order in, and watch movies everyday. Make your whole life about love, not just one stupid, yearly holiday.
Happy Valentine's lifetime, Grandpa. I love you, always have, always will.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Serenity
Dear Grandpa,
Through the strength of my friend, I realize how fortunate I am for everything I have in my life right now. Although I might complain about several things, there are some people in this world who need support and love a whole lot more than I do.
Whether it is to those who have lost their loved ones, those who have suffered hardships, or those who have lost their way, I ask for you, Grandpa, to help them find strength and love. To my amazing friend who is going through a tough (TOUGH) month, I hope my grandpa can help find peace in you.
Even though I'm not completely sure of my faith, this prayer has gotten me through some difficult times. It has encouraged me to reflect and accept or change certain situations that have caused me grief. I guess, there are just times when we need to look toward something for guidance because we all need a little bit of help at some point. This is for you, Justin, and everyone else that needs it:
Through the strength of my friend, I realize how fortunate I am for everything I have in my life right now. Although I might complain about several things, there are some people in this world who need support and love a whole lot more than I do.
Whether it is to those who have lost their loved ones, those who have suffered hardships, or those who have lost their way, I ask for you, Grandpa, to help them find strength and love. To my amazing friend who is going through a tough (TOUGH) month, I hope my grandpa can help find peace in you.
Even though I'm not completely sure of my faith, this prayer has gotten me through some difficult times. It has encouraged me to reflect and accept or change certain situations that have caused me grief. I guess, there are just times when we need to look toward something for guidance because we all need a little bit of help at some point. This is for you, Justin, and everyone else that needs it:
Love always,
Your granddaughter
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