Dear Grandpa,
I feel like I'm having more nightmares than hours of sleep. I wake up, tell myself that nothing is real, fall back asleep, and continue with the same terrifying subconscious world as before. Can't my mind take a rest for a little? Go on a vacation or something?
Since I can no longer call someone to cry on the phone or hear the soothing words that everything will be alright, I am writing to you for strength and peace. Maybe, if you're not too busy in heaven, you can stop down in my dreams and kick my butt in dominoes. I promise, though, I've gotten better.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
A favor
Dear Grandpa,
I have and never will forget you, but sometimes life gets in the way of simple things like writing to your grandpa. As I imagine you can see from heaven and hear in my prayers, I'm going through a rough rough time. I never thought I could feel so out of place and at a loss of control of my own emotions as I do now. I feel myself slipping at random times of the day and I can't figure out how to keep myself from smacking my head on the floor. Worse yet, I feel a burden to everyone around me, who are trying so hard to make me happy, but just can't seem to do the trick.
You once told Mom that no one died of a broken heart. I'm putting that to the test! I feel physical and mental pain from this torn heart of mine and I am so out of my league. I'm starting to question my self worth. The cultural, religious, and personal critiques certain people have burdened me with have stripped me down to my core and I feel naked. Vulnerable. So vulnerable, in fact, that I can't move on without understanding why. I have always taken pride in my strength and individuality, so how could people so small-minded and weak get the better of me?
Mom explained it to me in the way that most made sense: she said that I'm not this depressed over a break-up. Actually, I was the one who initiated the break last year. However, it is the constant feeling of never being good enough that is catching up with me.
Let's think back to my middle school years. Those years were full of an awkward, jock-head, developing young teenager in the middle of a petty, unforgiving society. My classmated made my life hell, constantly making me the odd one out and the unpopular ugly duckling. In a grade of 300 people, this could be manageable; however, in my grade of 18 people, this was impossible. To go from 5th grade to 8th grade with absolutely no school friends was nearly impossible. If I didn't have my soccer team, I don't know what I would have done.
Fast-forward to high school where I am trying to find myself, from skirts on top of jeans to spandex bodysuits, I went through my fair share of styles. But the struggle didn't stop there. I encountered the same let downs and trust breaking friendships with bigger, older people. And college? Oh, college is where these assholes go pro.
But I digress. Basically, Mom says that all of these feelings of inadequacy are finally catching up to me with this break up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. Those repressed feelings are coming out now more than ever and I am giving him the power he doesn't deserve. He doesn't deserve to make me feel like this. Period.
I'm trying everything I can to move on. I removed his number from my phone and his gifts from my room, I am making plans with other people, I am talking to a therapist, I am even meditating on a daily basis. I need help, Grandpa. I am asking you to give me the strength that I need to move on and feel better about myself. My family and friends are trying their best, but I need your help too. Please put my mind at peace and fill my heart with the only love I need.
Yours.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
I have and never will forget you, but sometimes life gets in the way of simple things like writing to your grandpa. As I imagine you can see from heaven and hear in my prayers, I'm going through a rough rough time. I never thought I could feel so out of place and at a loss of control of my own emotions as I do now. I feel myself slipping at random times of the day and I can't figure out how to keep myself from smacking my head on the floor. Worse yet, I feel a burden to everyone around me, who are trying so hard to make me happy, but just can't seem to do the trick.
You once told Mom that no one died of a broken heart. I'm putting that to the test! I feel physical and mental pain from this torn heart of mine and I am so out of my league. I'm starting to question my self worth. The cultural, religious, and personal critiques certain people have burdened me with have stripped me down to my core and I feel naked. Vulnerable. So vulnerable, in fact, that I can't move on without understanding why. I have always taken pride in my strength and individuality, so how could people so small-minded and weak get the better of me?
Mom explained it to me in the way that most made sense: she said that I'm not this depressed over a break-up. Actually, I was the one who initiated the break last year. However, it is the constant feeling of never being good enough that is catching up with me.
Let's think back to my middle school years. Those years were full of an awkward, jock-head, developing young teenager in the middle of a petty, unforgiving society. My classmated made my life hell, constantly making me the odd one out and the unpopular ugly duckling. In a grade of 300 people, this could be manageable; however, in my grade of 18 people, this was impossible. To go from 5th grade to 8th grade with absolutely no school friends was nearly impossible. If I didn't have my soccer team, I don't know what I would have done.
Fast-forward to high school where I am trying to find myself, from skirts on top of jeans to spandex bodysuits, I went through my fair share of styles. But the struggle didn't stop there. I encountered the same let downs and trust breaking friendships with bigger, older people. And college? Oh, college is where these assholes go pro.
But I digress. Basically, Mom says that all of these feelings of inadequacy are finally catching up to me with this break up being the straw that breaks the camel's back. Those repressed feelings are coming out now more than ever and I am giving him the power he doesn't deserve. He doesn't deserve to make me feel like this. Period.
I'm trying everything I can to move on. I removed his number from my phone and his gifts from my room, I am making plans with other people, I am talking to a therapist, I am even meditating on a daily basis. I need help, Grandpa. I am asking you to give me the strength that I need to move on and feel better about myself. My family and friends are trying their best, but I need your help too. Please put my mind at peace and fill my heart with the only love I need.
Yours.
Love always,
Your granddaughter
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