Merry Christmas

Dear Grandpa,

I hope it is snowier in heaven than it is down here.  Even though there isn't enough to build our garbage-side igloo or sled down an icy driveway, there is just enough frost to get me into the christmas spirit.  After the presents, candy, cookies, and friends, my family has been the best gift I could ask for.  Though we may fight and complain about one another, my family is full of so much love and support that I can't put it into words.  And for the first time, we are happy to celebrate this day and we feel your spirit all around.

I love you so much, Grandpa.  Thank you for making me into the strong and wise granddaughter I know I am.  With you always in my heart and mind, nothing can bring me down!  Merry Christmas!

Love always,
Your granddaughter

P.S.  I'll save you a cinnamon sugar cookie.  They're amazingly delicious!!

December 17, 2012

Dear Grandpa,

It's amazing how the mind works.  I can close my eyes right now and feel the intensity of the exact moment of your passing.  I remember the color of your skin and the shrill in Grandma's voice.  She rambled about honey... something about feeding you honey, but I remember being able to lift your body.  Like a child.  I can replay that moment just how it happened and every time I do, I feel nervous like I did when I had to call 911, Mom, and Dad.

So many things have changed, Grandpa, and it's hard to keep up with the world.  Tragedies, heartbreaks, and health challenges surround our holiday season and that's aside from the feeling of missing you.  Our family is stronger than ever and that helps, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas time. Mom and Grandma finally feel good enough to celebrate and decorate the house and tree, which is great.  But I feel like I'm just sucking up all of their sadness.  With finals and other stressors, I feel like I'm setting myself back.

It doesn't feel like you've been gone for two years.  I want you swimming with me in Puerto Rico or fixing your hearing aid that always went off during moments of silence.  As much as I would like for this day to fly by, it's already crawling.  December 17, 2010.  The last day I was blessed to have you in my life.  And, oh, how I miss you.  Maybe I'll see you in my dreams.

It's amazing how the mind works.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Serenity Prayer

Dear Grandpa,

Grandma goes to church every Sunday to pray and she seems to be doing alright.  The only prayer that I know and love is one that you've heard me say many times before:

God,

grant me the peace and serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Fast-forward

Dear Grandpa,

Have you ever felt like the rest of the world is on fast-forward, while you're stuck in normal speed?  It's almost as if you're watching caterpillars burst into butterflies before your very eyes and you are still the same.  I try so hard not to regret and to believe that everything happens for a reason, but for one second I wish I could go into a time machine and see where everything went wrong.  How my world started moving without me and why.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Missing Someone

Dear Grandpa,

I miss the times when I was worried I would never have my first kiss, or wondered what my first date would be like. When deciding whether to do geometry homework or take a bike ride was my biggest issue. I miss feeling independent of everyone.

I miss my best friend. I miss being able to text him and laugh about something stupid, or just sit in his car and fear for my life. I miss feeling confident with myself and beautiful when I was with him. I miss being self-assured of everything I was doing and where I was taking my future. I just miss it all and I hate it. I wish I could just turn these feeling off, but it's impossible. I find myself dreaming of false realities and the only way I survive my long drives is with blasting reggaeton music. I want to hate him so badly, but I can't.

All I can do is miss him. And I hate it. AND, I don't understand how why he doesn't miss me too.

Grandpa, take my mind away for one night, so I don't wake up feeling like this. It's really wearing me down and the reggaeton playlist is so over played its not funny.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Nightmares

Dear Grandpa,

I feel like I'm having more nightmares than hours of sleep. I wake up, tell myself that nothing is real, fall back asleep, and continue with the same terrifying subconscious world as before. Can't my mind take a rest for a little? Go on a vacation or something?

Since I can no longer call someone to cry on the phone or hear the soothing words that everything will be alright, I am writing to you for strength and peace. Maybe, if you're not too busy in heaven, you can stop down in my dreams and kick my butt in dominoes. I promise, though, I've gotten better.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

A favor

Dear Grandpa,

I have and never will forget you, but sometimes life gets in the way of simple things like writing to your grandpa.  As I imagine you can see from heaven and hear in my prayers, I'm going through a rough rough time.  I never thought I could feel so out of place and at a loss of control of my own emotions as I do now.  I feel myself slipping at random times of the day and I can't figure out how to keep myself from smacking my head on the floor.  Worse yet, I feel a burden to everyone around me, who are trying so hard to make me happy, but just can't seem to do the trick.

You once told Mom that no one died of a broken heart.  I'm putting that to the test!  I feel physical and mental pain from this torn heart of mine and I am so out of my league.  I'm starting to question my self worth.  The cultural, religious, and personal critiques certain people have burdened me with have stripped me down to my core and I feel naked.  Vulnerable.  So vulnerable, in fact, that I can't move on without understanding why.  I have always taken pride in my strength and individuality, so how could people so small-minded and weak get the better of me?

Mom explained it to me in the way that most made sense:  she said that I'm not this depressed over a break-up.  Actually, I was the one who initiated the break last year.  However, it is the constant feeling of never being good enough that is catching up with me.

Let's think back to my middle school years.  Those years were full of an awkward, jock-head, developing young teenager in the middle of a petty, unforgiving society.  My classmated made my life hell, constantly making me the odd one out and the unpopular ugly duckling.  In a grade of 300 people, this could be manageable; however, in my grade of 18 people, this was impossible.  To go from 5th grade to 8th grade with absolutely no school friends was nearly impossible.  If I didn't have my soccer team, I don't know what I would have done.

Fast-forward to high school where I am trying to find myself, from skirts on top of jeans to spandex bodysuits, I went through my fair share of styles.  But the struggle didn't stop there.  I encountered the same let downs and trust breaking friendships with bigger, older people.  And college?  Oh, college is where these assholes go pro.

But I digress.  Basically, Mom says that all of these feelings of inadequacy are finally catching up to me with this break up being the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Those repressed feelings are coming out now more than ever and I am giving him the power he doesn't deserve.  He doesn't deserve to make me feel like this.  Period.

I'm trying everything I can to move on.  I removed his number from my phone and his gifts from my room, I am making plans with other people, I am talking to a therapist, I am even meditating on a daily basis.  I need help, Grandpa.  I am asking you to give me the strength that I need to move on and feel better about myself.  My family and friends are trying their best, but I need your help too.  Please put my mind at peace and fill my heart with the only love I need.

Yours.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

If you have nothing nice to say...

Dear Grandpa,

Words slip off the tongue like nothing these days.  If you heard what our little cousin lets out of his mouth, why, you would whip your belt off and go to work! But he's not the only one with an unfiltered language.  It seems that even the most acclaimed political commentator can be mispoken, once, or twice, or thrice...

Take a look at this!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-parenting/post/ann-coulter-gets-a-lesson-on-another-r-word-respect/2012/10/24/e13d3874-1e00-11e2-ba31-3083ca97c314_blog.html

People cease to amaze me.

Love always,
Your Granddaughter

Insomnia

Dear Grandpa,

I should be asleep by now, dreaming of things I can never remember, but I just can't get to sleeping. I got into a stupid argument right before I went up to bed and thought about writing to you, but selfishly did other mindless things (that didn't turn out to be so mindless after all).

I think the real reason I can't go to sleep is because I was meant to write you a post tonight. I really believe it's some sort of divine intervention, where I was supposed to be feeling a little down so I can face some really big thoughts I have been avoiding. As much as I put up an "I'm so over it" guard, I don't think I ever REALLY talked about how I felt when you passed. Of all days and times, it's bothering me right now and I cannot for the life of me get to sleep before getting it off my chest. So, thank you divine intervention, this damn weight is getting off of my chest now:

I an guilty for not running to Grandma's first call. Sometimes she just yells my name all over the house to ask me something that I know is not important, so I ignore her or give her attitude. I feel especially guilty for getting severely annoyed at her when she called seven more times to come to her without telling me what was wrong. I was stupid and not caring, which is why I feel guilty for not being there in time. By the time I understood the shrill of her calls and ran into your room, you were limp in her arms and she had no physical or mental strength to hold you or even respond rationally. It was at that moment that I realized that I was the adult in this situation and I had to hold myself (and Grandma) together.

I feel that as an aid to my own anxiety and to all of the readers who have already gone through, or are experiencing the life of Alzheimer's now, it is important to let everything out. I knew you weren't with us, Grandpa, the second I picked you up and laid you on your bed. Your skin was a white I still can't explain and through my shaking hands, there was no pulse. In my heart of hearts, I knew you were dead, but for Grandma's sake and my mom's sake (who I knew would be devastated if she wasn't there for you) I called 911 and followed through resuscitating. With only the strength of God, I held myself together and sent Grandma in the ambulance, (even though I wanted to be there too) called everyone I needed, signed my brothers out of school, and drove to the hospital. The only person that I let myself breakdown in front of was my neighbor just after the ambulance and cops left. She never brought it up afterward, but we've had an unspoken understanding ever since.

I still don't think my parents know the full story and I'm pretty sure Grandma blocked it out, but I remember everything. It is haunting. I have been in several other situations where I had to be the adult and work out an emergency on my own, but none ever prepared me for the guilt and memory that would follow me after the day you died.

There are few times that I cry about it. The only way I can describe the situation is in relation to a cut (so typical, I know, but it makes so much sense). I had a gash the day you died and it never had the chance to be a gash ... you know, bleed profusely, clot, scab over, and maybe scar. My gash simply scabbed over and scarred. There was no time to bleed or clot: there wasn't anyone to really talk to. I told you how much I hate crying to people, so I kept to myself. I didn't want to relive the moment, so I never told the whole truth to anyone. I hurt. I wish someone else understands how I feel now without having to say it out loud.

I wish I was in the room sooner to save you and I wish I didn't feel the weight of death. I wish I wasn't scared of touching your hand once I knew you were gone. I hope this let's me sleep and maybe soon, I won't live with the guilt or I won't be so haunted by the memory. Most of all, I wish I could meet you in my dreams tonight and see you Alzheimer's free.

You already took your chance to let go. Now I need to too.

Love always,
Your Granddaughter

Piano

Dear Grandpa,

Why is it that I love writing so much, yet I can never think of what I want to write?  I sit in class wanting only to get home and go straight to my computer and fill pages with stupid times new roman letters; yet when I finally have the time, I clean my room, make food, and procrastinate until it's too late to even start. I guess you can say I kind of procrastinate to write letters too, which can explain the months that go by in silence.  Not cool man!  Especially because I love talking to you, but sometimes it's too hard.  Not really hard in the sense that it's too upsetting, but hard in the sense that I don't always know what to write and it becomes too easy to just put it off until later when I have something to write.

I have to write a short story for Creative Writing.  I have so many brilliant ideas that I start when I'm no where near my computer, things like manifestos, "firsts", memoirs, etc.  Running and playing the piano usually gets my creative juices flowing, but it's cold outside and there is barely space in my bedroom for some boots let alone a piano.

I miss being able to close my eyes and play a song perfectly from the feel of the keys.  Some were greasier than others and they were reminders for my fingers when I switched octaves.  Maybe that's what I need to do... write about playing the piano.  I'll try it.  Thanks Grandpa! :)

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Trust

Dear Grandpa,

Trust is a difficult thing to master.  You either trust too much and allow for deceit and pain to take over, or you don't trust at all and live on lies.  There is a fine line between the two where you can have the best of both worlds, but that takes years to earn.  College tests your sense of trust with friends, school work, and management, giving you the freedom and the evils that lurk somewhere behind all of the parties, raging alcoholics, and parent-less dorms.

For the most part, I trust too much.  I don't think I've respected my self worth and I've befriended people that aren't deserving of my generosity.  Not to say that I'm the ideal student, but it feels like none of these people have ambitions or work towards getting out of college; it's like they're stuck in this vortex of freedom and little responsibility and have no desire to make it into the real world.  They're completely fine with living pay check to pay check and they put their lives at risk literally every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (if they're lucky).

That's not me, Grandpa.  You worked hard for our family and I appreciate all of the advice and strength you gave Mom to be the first person to go to college and become super successful and raise a loving family that understands the values of life, while living in a multi-million dollar home.  I know how important to you to live comfortably and not have the worries that you did growing up in such a hateful world.  I'm so lucky to have such a great family that truly gives a damn about what I do and is hard on me.  Because of them, because of you, I will be successful and I will be important, but more importantly, I will be wise past my years and learn to trust just enough.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Las Cosas Pequenas (The Little Things)

Dear Grandpa,

Prince Royce sings the most beautiful and meaningful songs ever.  The combination of his amazingly good looks, sweet lyrics, soft voice, bachata music, and spanish tongue makes this song one of my favorites.  If everyone lived by these simple words, the world would truly be a better place.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

P.S. You know you have a secret crush on him too ;)

My V-Day

Dear Grandpa,

Yesterday was interesting. Aside from the "I love you" text that Mom sends when she thinks I need a pick-me-up, my Valentine's Day morning was obnoxious, to say the least. My friend and his ex tried to be all cute and lovey-dovey for V-Day and start things over from the beginning, even though you can't really ever "start things over" once you've been together for 1.5 years, and even though they are so obviously avoiding the giant elephant in their "relationship", and even though they never should have been together in the first place! Facebook was blowing up with holiday statuses and people kept on posting their stupid gifts that probably died, melted, or was eaten by now. All of the restaurants bumped up their prices, so going out for lunch was completely out of the option. If you can't tell by now, Grandpa, I was cranky... kind of like how you used to get before, after, and during your baths.

Luckily for me, I was surprised by a visit from Matan who, brought nothing special, wore nothing special, and planned nothing special. It was great! The rest of my night was so relaxing and normal and I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day. To top it off, we watched my all time favorite, Top Gear, and laughed at however many two hour specials we watched until we fell asleep. The thing that made it great, was that it was so ordinary and enjoyable. I didn't need to get Matan anything for him to know that I love him and he felt the same. The greatest gift I could have asked for, was knowing that my niece was safe at home for her very first day out of the hospital. The simple things in life is all I need to stay happy.

I know how traditional you were, Grandpa, because we were raised so differently. I know you always got Grandma flowers and chocolates and probably had a romantic night on Valentine's Day, but think of the rest of the year when you and her fought all the time and how you weren't always happy together; you shouldn't have had to be forced to change your feelings because of one state holiday. If you're not in love, then don't be, and if you are, then be in love, but not just for one day. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to be bitter on purpose or complain because I'm unhappy, but I want you to see how love should be. I love you and I don't just write to you on Valentine's Day, or send you special videos to show how much I care. You should know that I care and feel the same amount of love each day, forever. You're my forever valentine :).

Love always
Your granddaughter

I hate Valentine's Day

Dear Grandpa,

It's that time of year again. I don't know why, but just about everything bugs me today. Between all of the love statuses, the sappy profile pictures, couples making up that never should have been together in the first place, over priced roses being advertised everywhere, and that obnoxious, italicized, happy little reminder on my calendar that it's Valentine's Day.  Why does this stupid holiday even exist?

If you ask me, Valentine's Day is an excuse to be extra nice and cute and fake for 24 hours; it's one night where you take your significant other out to dinner instead of making them cook, serve, and clean for you; it's one night where you waste money on flowers that will just sit and die in a vase that you admired for 2 minutes; it's one night of making sex, massages, and "I love you" special. And when you're single, it's a day to love yourself. Well, what about the other 364 days of the year? Each and every person deserves to feel special and loved everyday and should not be subjected to make love "extra special" for one stupid holiday!

Look, I'm not doing this because I don't love someone (because I do) or because no one loves me (because people do), but I'm tired of the ignorance of people. *News flash*, money, flowers, and chocolate can't buy love. And it's not Valentine's day!!!!! It's Valentine's year, decade, century, lifetime! Love everyday like it was your last. Laugh, kiss, play, mess around, do stupid things, go out, make dessert, order in, and watch movies everyday. Make your whole life about love, not just one stupid, yearly holiday.

Happy Valentine's lifetime, Grandpa. I love you, always have, always will.

Love always,
Your granddaughter

Serenity

Dear Grandpa,

Through the strength of my friend, I realize how fortunate I am for everything I have in my life right now. Although I might complain about several things, there are some people in this world who need support and love a whole lot more than I do.

Whether it is to those who have lost their loved ones, those who have suffered hardships, or those who have lost their way, I ask for you, Grandpa, to help them find strength and love. To my amazing friend who is going through a tough (TOUGH) month, I hope my grandpa can help find peace in you.

Even though I'm not completely sure of my faith, this prayer has gotten me through some difficult times. It has encouraged me to reflect and accept or change certain situations that have caused me grief. I guess, there are just times when we need to look toward something for guidance because we all need a little bit of help at some point. This is for you, Justin, and everyone else that needs it:

Love always,

Your granddaughter

Milestones

Dear Grandpa,

Lots of milestones have passed by and we haven't talked for a while. It's a little over a year since you've passed, I am settled into my school work and living situation here in new paltz, and I finally have a puppy of my own; her name is Calypso (Caly) and she is the biggest joy in my life. I swear, she keeps me going some days when life gives me a run for my money. The best part of everyday is opening the door to my little mama thrilled to see me, struggling to wag the nub (literally) of her tail. She drives me crazy when she chews EVERYTHING, shreds the toilet paper from the garbage, and misses her wee wee pad, but the snuggles at night make up for all that and more. I am so blessed to have a family that got me such a wonderful Christmas gift and I am blessed to have the perfect dog for me. She's a cutie!

As for all of the problems I had before, oh they're still there. Even some new "situations" have come up and, as always, I'm surrounded with drama that will mean nothing to me on a few years. But I guess that keeps me going too. Struggles make you fight, hurt a little, and then make you a little stronger. Battle wounds are sexy, right?

Anyway, I've decided to play it easy this semester. School is not something you can mess around with and I think it's finally hitting me. So rather than messing around with friends all week and screw up my own morals, I'm really trying to step up. I've got to set my priorities straight and become a little more selfish. I have so many big dreams to fill and not a lot of time to do it. I hope you can give me courage and strength to pull me through this time because the 20 year old in me wants to go out and be a fool for the last few months of my not-yet-adulthood. Who knows, maybe Caly was your idea of making me grow up and accept actual responsibilities for once. I mean, she is my little angel after all!

After everything, I still miss you, Grandpa. There weren't many years of my life where you were healthy, but we still had so much fun when you were sick; it only makes me wonder what things would have been like of you never got Alzheimer's; if YOU could have lead ME in my sweet 16 dance, or if we could have beaten Daddy and Grandma in dominoes without a foolish fight. Regardless, I miss watching you lick salt from your palm and cursing Grandma off and filling in your brows with blue sharpie and tickling my ear with your dirty fingernails that you hated to get cut. I miss you a whole lot and I hope you can hear some of what I'm saying. I know you visited Mom and Daddy in their dreams a little while ago and they said you looked great. You were a hippie with long hair and you were so happy and I couldn't help but be a little jealous because I never had a chance to see you like that. I wish you could come visit my dreams sometime soon because I want to see you again. Not sick you. Healthy, young, and happy Grandpa. The Grandpa that I never had the chance to love.

Love always,
Your granddaughter